This is what I'll be using and updating from now on to post about things.
http://wishingishaving.blogspot.com
I bid you all farewell

Hello, my almost non-existent demographic of people who read my livejournal. It has been a long time. I apologize for not posting in a while.

My first foray into the restaurant industry has begun. And let me tell ya.... there's nothing creepier than getting hit on by men in their 50s.

And men in their 60s, 70s,...

Actually when it hits the 80s and above it stops being creepy and actually is sort of cute, cause they're so old you know. And you're like "awww. you're hitting on me. but you probably havent had sex in decades. awww."

Hmm what else to say about my new job... it has been a learning experience and a struggle to keep a charming smile on my face while escorting and assisting someone I want to gouge in the face with salad tongs. Yes... We all say one thing but think another in our daily lives. Faking is just a part of everyday existence. But if you host or wait tables that's where you see it go to the extremes. Extremes you never thought possible. 

How about a little sentence completion in your head?

"Yes sir!!!!!" (... you jackoff)

"I do apologize." (for ever seeing your sorry face)

"I hope you enjoy your dining experience." (and your chair enjoys its extra 500 pound burden)

But at the end of the day... it seems I am a little wiser for the wear. A bit more calloused on the skin... and sharper on the edges. Soon I'll be like a hundreds-years old torture instrument. Tragic...brutal... yet strangely fascinating and attractive =D I must say that I'm also the finest-ass hostess that restaurant's probably ever seen.

Hooray for having another lame job to support my artistic passions which bring me no living wages!!


 

lost. unfamiliar. this place is dirty. dingy. too old to be used, but still being used anyway. outdated. underdeveloped. poor. a sense of anger from the people who live here. violence. hostility. broken walls, with graffiti all over them bright and overpowering in the middle of the day. paint peeling from a long time ago. a dirty smell like garbage and human excretions in the air. the sky is polluted. the more i walk the more lost i feel, but i continue to walk and run frantically, desperately hoping the next turn i make is onto a road that leads me out of this place. i've wandered into the wrong part of town. being here is like a different world entirely. this place is hidden, slummish. strangely empty. i don't see a single soul but i feel their presence, sensing, approaching, unfriendly...

I'm building on shaky ground, and soon everything I've hoped for, worked for will come crumbling down as their foundations tear apart. And then I'll be drifting, aimless, lost, with nothing to cling to that isn't sinking. I've nowhere to go. I'm running out of reasons to keep going. I think I've lost my self-motivation, relying only on external demands. I don't even know what I want from myself anymore. It's killing me. There's no joy in my life anymore. The ground is moving out from beneath me. Looking at myself in the mirror, I can't figure out if this body is worth living in.

I've only been going to yoga regularly a little over a week now. Technically Ive been 'doing it' since April but the entire month of May I was gone so yeah... Bikram yoga Dallas instructor came over to teach today's class and I had the pleasure of meeting him when I went today! He was really enthusiastic, kind of unconventional (he borderline chatted with students during class!) and young+handsome. Afterwards, I talked to him and thanked him for the class. He was like, "You're really good in there! So how long have you been doing this?" and I was like "Oh kind of off and on...for a week maybe". And he goes.. "You need to keep it up, you've got some serious potential to be a really professional practitioner. You've got the right body type.... err.. well everyone has the right body type heh, but you're just naturally good. You're already ahead of the game. Keep doing it!"  *-* Mere flattery, genuine or not, totally made my day.

I can't sleep. Once again/as usual... I can't sleep. Is it any wonder? Insomnia is a sign of depression. Last night (which is...not tonight, but the night before), I had a terrible, terrible dream.  What's creepy is that upon waking from this dream, I had absolutely no memory of it until I tried going to sleep tonight and in that murky state between wake and sleep it all came back to me in a flashback. In the dream, I was having an abortion. I have no idea why or of the circumstances, but it was like a third trimester(?) abortion...the ones that happen very late in the pregnancy. In my mind, there were two situations, mirrored. In the first situation, the woman is screaming, crying and struggling in live childbirth as the doctor stands at her feet ushering in a new life. In the second situation, the mirrored one, the woman isn't having childbirth but rather an abortion, lying there calm and solemn as the doctor pulls a tiny corpse out of her womb. The woman is me. I feel calm as the abortion happens, but at the same time with a slight feeling of regret that I have wasted a life. After the procedure, a morbid feeling of curiosity overcomes me. And...to satisfy that curiosity, or so it seems, the baby that is now removed from my body has been removed completely whole. This is unrealistic, I know...in real life, such a late-term abortion would be... well. I need not go into details... a lot messier. The doctor brandishes the dead baby like a trophy held by someone beaming with pride about his work. I look into the face of my child, and pangs of regret hit me. If it had lived, it would have been...so beautiful.

Disclaimer: This is NOT an anti-abortion message or pro-life related in any way I AM PRO CHOICE

These are all taken from this really cute Japanese hairstyle database. I can never get tired of browsing through their millions of photos of different asian hairstyles. However...sometimes I feel the urge to 'shop the ugly out of their models!!!
Dear lord woman. Your teeth!! Your fckin' teeth! Seriously, with all that airbrushing the image editor person couldn't bother to fix your grotesque mouth a little? I think with some braces, a couple veneers you would look b-e-autiful. Also, your forehead looks way too big. Let's brush some of that bang to the other side of your face to balance it out, and maybe give you some freakin' eyebrows.

Omg, look it's a pretty girl! I also took the liberty of giving you boobs. I hope you don't mind.

TED, the conference of elitist American intellectuals, has featured on its website this lecture given by James Howard Kunstler (ya I've never heard of him), about American "suburban sprawl" creating "middle of nowhere" places 'not worth caring about' being caused by our complete dependence on the automobile . It's quite interesting and his little photo slideshow does make some harsh points. Also, I have to give him props for his completely revealing statements about what is the definition of citizen compared to consumer.

I say that his assertions are true for the most part, but I just felt the need to call him out on a couple o' things:

1) You're comparing photos of 18th (19th?) century European city squares with a photo of a Wal-mart out in the middle of nowhere in random po-dunk American small town. This is unfair and you know it. I don't think I even have to explain why this is unfair.

2) It is true, European cities indeed have a great sense of "public space" . But they weren't planned. it just kinda happened with the progression of history. Kunstler at the end of his lecture shows these illustrations on how "good public space" should be planned out. If it's forced like that, how is it any different from the cookie-cutter minimalls and "fake downtown" areas? we've all seen them.

Places like Manchester and New York rose into existence as a result of people doing what they wanted, the best they could, with the technology that was available at the time. Why is Dallas such a different city from New York? Because it's younger and downtown Dallas developed for the most part at a much more technologically advanced time frame than New York. Yes, the results of this is that the downtown is kind of dismal. But there's nothing we can do about that, to force it to be otherwise.

Maybe if(when) we run out of fossil fuels and we go into a huge "OMGWTFDOWEDO" crisis then a place like the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex will fragment into smaller and more localized communities. But it won't turn Dallas into New York, and it won't turn America into Europe.

There's a really interesting little website I found today.
On its exterior, challenges you to test your supposed ability to tell Asians apart. The website address is ironically designated as www.alllooksame.com , and engages you with various photograph tests that fall into the different categories of not just human faces, but architecture, food, aesthetic design, and modern art. It's kinda cool but then you realize that they have only included three countries.

Three countries: China, Korea and Japan are apparently the only countries that comprise the entire fckin' asian continent. What does that mean? Totally undiverse. And totally biased considering that China, Korea and Japan are right next to each other in the region that is the easternmost part of Asia and so obviously they will be quite similar compared to the heterogeneous Asian continent. This is further complicated by the fact that for 30 years Japan occupied and heavily intermixed with Korea and this is why Japanese and Koreans are some of the hardest to tell apart visually. It just seems like the creators of the website (and its featured tests) are trying to push the stereotypical opinion that all asians look alike with this propaganda. Which is rather confusing since it's not beneficial to them in any way to get stereotyped, perhaps this isn't their intention but whether or not it is the effects are the same.

Also, one of the webmasters/article writers whatever, being herself asian constantly waxes poetic about the nuances of being asian, non asian and different types of asian. In a most disagreeable self-absorbed manner.

Quote!
"Fellow Readers, greetings. When someone poses the question Where are you from? how do you answer? I for one always answer Shanghai followed with China for the rare few who are so smitten with my beauty that I must further reinforce a world geography lesson for the dirty and naughty schoolboy in all men."

What the christ are you talking about? Seriously... I'm gonna punchersize your asianface.

I didn't know this before I read a BBC news article this morning, but apparently a cyclone hit Burma very recently, killing thousands of people. "A major disaster," says USA Today. I feel so lucky that I was not born in Southeast Asia, it seems like they get raped by the weather a lot.

Of course, fortunately our world's governments are donating to a relief effort which is actually being shunned by the Burmese government despite their acceptance of aid money ("Keep ur foreign aid workers out of our country but we'll take ur cash!! Thx!") If that's not 'tarded I don't know what is, talk about looking like an ass internationally

But oh well, we should still try to help them out right? It's about our own goodwill, not our expectation that they'll be thankful for it. Our government claims to have donated about $3 million. The UK donated about 5 million Euros ($9.9m? is that a correct conversion? Damn our economy sucks)

France has donated 200,000 Euros. Yeah thats not a typo, I didn't leave out a 0.  Your question might be, "What the hell? Why even bother?"

Quote from the BBC Article
" French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner said his country had limited its financial contribution to 200,000 euros ($310,000): "It's not a lot, but we don't really trust the way the Burmese ministry would use the money," he said."

LAWL. I say, lawl.

*My Internet Connection. (To my cousin: Please Stop Torrenting So Much Anime. Seriously, you torrent 2 anime series a day. That's like 14 animes at 20-25 episodes per anime so at least 200 hours of anime a week. I mean, do you watch it at the rate that you download it? That would be impossible unless you never slept and watched anime constantly. Wait... )

*This song I heard on the radio (Ferras - Hollywood's Not America). WTF you shouldn't write your own songs if you're retarded

*The radio in general. Suckage

*Korean TV. God it's crap. Over-dramatic much? Get over it. In fact, I think I would rather watch Anime.

*My fitness level ever since I hit 70 on World of Warcraft. I gained 10 pounds?! God I'm so pissed. I think I'm gonna go PvP.

I had a strange dream that I went around flirting with all these men. I exchanged shy messages, received lovestruck glances and had romantic chemistry with plenty, all in the course of a day. At the end of it, I decided to marry one. I won't name who, but it's someone I know in real life (not my boyfriend). We exchanged vows in a rather casual manner, held hands and frolicked off to a desolate cliffside. After an hour of walking together, I felt a terrible hollow feeling inside. I told him "I'm sorry. I can't marry you after all" and started to tell him who I really was dating. At his utterly disappointed, upset reaction I nearly took it all back. And the voices inside me argued violently. What the hell do you think you're doing? You don't love him, you already love someone. Stay true to your feelings! At this point, my infidelity was no longer enjoyable. It made me sick, and that's when I woke up.

I know too many of them. Even just one is too many. How could you deliberately give off such stinging negativity that every part of your thought and action is to make someone's life harder simply out of your vengeful disposition? I know "walk in someone else's shoes" and shit like that is pretty cliche. But no one does this. Those who do, get stepped on. And I'm sick and tired of seeing it.

Do you talk about(to) God? Is there someone you know who you really dislike and would rather see hurt? You're a hypocrite.

Are you an atheist? Do you look down upon Christians and feel like you're far better(and smarter) than all of them? You're better off dead.

Is insulting someone your first reaction to an argument? Does out-witting, offending and belittling someone bring you some kind of twisted satisfaction? Your happiness in life is shallow and tainted, and I pity the hell out of you.

I've lost my innocence. It's long gone and left naught but a shadow. It's eroded away after years of wreck, like the polish off of a shiny new car. I don't think I'll ever feel innocent again. I would do anything, but I don't feel that I deserve it.

sadness. shock, crying. prayer. trying to cope. scared right now, trying not to overreact. still hoping for the best. waiting. preparing. bracing my heart. i feel so very useless right now, helpless to control what is to come. so many things approaching me at once, demanding, needing attention, needing action. and now this. this topples them all, pushes them aside. this entire month as i try to tear myself in two as much as i can knowing that i'm needed in two different places is going to be painful. hurting so much right now. but i'll do my best. i need her to live, i need her to wait for me and to live.

I'm sniffly. My skin is going all pimply and insane probably due to a combination of hormones and stress. On top of that, I just lost an hour's worth of work in Maya. And I have no energy to scream or rip the computer apart. I can only suck it up...and let my hatred for technology burn. Just another point in favor of traditional art versus digital. I need more free time, I need more free time. Damn these sniffles and allergies turning into an actual cold. What the hell is wrong with my body. When I actually start to do something that's physically active and good for my fitness on a regular basis, and start to feel healthier, wham---I get a cold. Back to square one. I can only conclude that my body hates me, and for that I must hate it in return. I'm gonna start cutting myself.

teehee. i dunno what i'll do with this now that ive scanned it from my sketchbook. maybe put some cheap ass filters in photoshop? yay!


more to come.

might make it really high rez if i don't get lazy as helllll

I'm antisocial. I don't even know what that word really means. I want to be around people. But I don't like talking most times. I like public areas and crowds. But I get easily annoyed at people's words and behavior. Why do I fear being alone? Why do I push you away, only to need you? Why do I want to go to yours, instead of having you at mine? I think back to when I was 16, and had a pet female cockatiel named Fifi. Fifi was defensive, paranoid and would bite your hand if you tried to pet her while she sat on your shoulder. But if you sat really still, she would inch closer and closer to your neck, because she liked the warmth coming off your body. And all these years later, I think: I'm totally that way. With most people, I can't really get along. But i still feed off their energy and presence. I'd rather study at a library instead of my apartment. I enjoy the presence of other people as long as I have the freedom of detachment. I'm just hopeless. This is why I don't make any new friends.

Ahh, that sinking feeling when you are reminded once again that you aren't the only person you have to worry about when making your own decisions is really starting to get old. I mean, do I really have to do anything yet? I was pretty happy with finishing up my degree and then going to my nice little job and working on my art...maybe playing some video games on the side, making time for fun things that having a job+money allows me to do. I was settled into the idea of being settled. I don't really care about grad school all that much just yet, why am I being pressured into going so soon? Gina have you thought about grad school? Gina where are you going to go? When do you graduate, and where are you going? Jesus man, I don't know. And I don't want to think about it. =(


Stress relievers:
1) bang head against wall
2) shoot yourself
3) PvP